My obligatory Twilight review

Increasingly long stares, vampire baseball and sparkly vampires are the best Twilight has to offer –and that’s not saying much. Based on the books by Stephanie Meyers and directed by Catherine Hardwicke, the movie does nothing more but erupt giggles and befuddlement at the popularity of the series.

The movie starts off surprisingly well. Isabella Swan Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) narration sounds like every other awkward teenage girl, hoping the best for her mom and her new husband. She leaves Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington, a town in an almost perpetual state of cloudy days. She goes to live with her father, played by Billy Burke, which by the way is probably the only likeable character in the whole film. Isabel, who prefers to be called Bella (Bella Swan, beautiful swan, way to be clever Meyers), goes to school where boys turn head left and right. Apparently, Bella’s pheromones overwhelm the entire male cast, including some creepy balding 40-year-old in a diner in front of her father. Nice. Then she goes to biology class where her presence makes the male lead, Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, either cream his pants or fights off a burst of nausea. Now commences the first in drawn-out shots of hateful, lustful and doltish stares between the two.

Edward initially treats Bella with hate and annoyance. Then you come to find out was that he acted like a jerk because he wanted her so much. Bella finds this incredibly romantic and finds herself head over heels. After Edward saves her from getting crushed by a van with his super vampire powers, she confronts him. He then admits to a girl he’s known for less than a month that he and his family are vampires. Even though Edward says he’s not sure he can control his urges around Bella, she trusts him completely. And then five minutes later, she says she’s not sure she can trust him but that doesn’t matter because she’s in love with him. After more lame proclamations of everlasting love and equally lame special effects, Bella comes in contact with a rival vampire gang who’s leader, James (Cam Gigandet) begins to madly lust for Bella’s blood, for no explicit reason. Edward and his family risk their lives to hide Bella from James. After faking a fight between her and Edward in front of her father, she uses that as an excuse to leave her home. Edward basically forces her to abandon and yell at her father because apparently that’s the best thing to be done to get her out of the house. After trying to dissuade James, Bella eventually finds herself in his clutches and has Edward come save the day using his shiny vampire powers. Before Edward shows, James bites her, which then forces Edward to suck out the poison blood. She doesn’t turn but does break her leg, and then they attend prom together, where Bella expresses her desire to be made into a vampire so she can be with Edward forever.

Firstly, there are many things wrong with this storyline and the movie. Bella’s reaction to getting her blood sucked and his blood sucking are badly disguised metaphors for sex, especially since he has to “pull out” right before she turns. Earlier in the film, during a heated make-out session, Edward freaks because Bella was making him loose control. The movie does honorably in keeping the obligatory sex scene out of a teen flick, but one can’t help but notice the disapproving atmosphere surrounding Bella’s desire. She is the one that pushes for intimacy while Edward almost gives in but stops and sends a disappointed look her way. We get it, Meyers. Pre-marital sex is the most terrible thing in the world.

Bella starts off as the every woman, but ends up being the submissive girlfriend at the end. An hour into the movie, her exact words are “I dream about being with you forever”. When she wakes up in the hospital after the incident with the enemy vampire, Edward remarks that he needs to leave, she has a mini-panic attack and yells, “You can’t leave me!” As stupid as some of the dialogue come off, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if Bella wasn’t the role model of hundreds of impressionable young girls who have immersed themselves in the books. There’s no need to let young girls believe that even though their one true love treats them with distaste, it’s okay because he loves you. That and him watching you sleep outside your window for the past few months isn’t creepy at all. If any guy tried that one a girl, he’d immediately be called out as a creepy stalker. The only reason Edward gets away with it is because he’s a vampire.

Real vampires DON'T SPARKLE

The special effects are mediocre at best. A blurred figure implies super speed. Did I mention that the reason the Cullens live in Forks is because of the weather? In Meyers’ world, vampires sparkle in the sunlight, thus giving away their murdering identity. Edward’s sparkles look like they decided to stick sequence on his chest and give it a blur effect in post-production.

The soundtrack has some good choices, but the whole movie is oversaturated with background music. Every other scene has a track that distracts from the movie, which may or may not be good. There’s no need to play a dramatic instrumental track and then follow it immediately with Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole” and then cut back to meaningless elevator tunes. The soundtrack is meant to enhance the scene, not be the key to the drama, Hardwicke.

Also, early in the film, four seemingly drunk men in another town almost jump Bella. Obviously, Edward comes to rescue her because he’s been following her this whole time like the romantic stalker he is. Later, Bella’s dad tells her he bought Bella a new can of pepper spray. She responds with an exasperated sigh and a “Daaad….”. Ok, Bella because you weren’t going to get raped earlier in the film, so carrying around pepper spray is stupid.

Although the movie leaves little to like for those average moviegoer, it does have small elements of appeal. Bella drives an old rusty red Ford, something the average American teen would be embarrassed about. She attends prom with her lovely blue dress and her foot in a clunky cast. Most girls would be devastated and let it ruin their prom. Bella is just grateful she has Edward to accompany her. Her father is a great character, someone who doesn’t know how to connect with his daughter but is willing to try even if it is awkward.
The movie does little to entice those who are not already addicted to the romantic spew of the series. It sets a new low for aspiring heroines and vampire flicks. Meyer’s vampires would be better off holding a West Side Story-esque dance-off than coming up against previous vampire movies like John Carpenter’s “Vampires” or the classic vampire movie that started it all, Nosferatu. Take this movie and burn it to bits before you see the future generations of young girls fawning obsessively over their boyfriends. Please.

In conclusion:

Or better yet, how it should have begun

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Let the Right One In–

A much cooler international cover

Let the Right One In is originally a 2004 Swedish novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist. Let the Right One In is a vampire novel. It is a love story.

But never fear. This is not your glittery vampire novel. This is not your cliché love story, where boy-meets-girl, boy-acts-douche and girl-falls-in-love and it’s all soapy and gooey and overall ridiculous.

It’s a story about a boy who’s constantly bullied at school. It’s a story about growing up and not having any friends. It’s also a story about a pedophile and his shame, a girl who was once a boy, a rebellious teenager and a boy who finds comfort in the macabre.

Let the Right One In was made into a movie in 2008 by director Tomas Alfredson, also in Swedish and of the same name.

A short synopsis of the book and movie:
Oskar is a 12-year-old boy who lives with his single mother. He’s constantly bullied at school, but to be fair, he’s a bit of an eccentric kid. He’s got an uncontrollable bladder and rather meek. He also keeps a scrapbook of newspaper clippings dealing with various murders and killers. He eventually makes friends with the new girl next door named Eli, who lives with what appears to be her guardian Hakan. Oskar and Eli form a tentative friendship, which gives Oskar some more confidence and Eli a kind of friendship that she hasn’t experienced quite a long time. And by the way, Eli is a vampire. No, it’s not technically a spoiler because you find out rather quickly. The rest of the novel deals with Oskar’s bullying, Eli’s need for blood and other minor characters that are just as interesting.

The movie is an incredibly satisfying cinematic treat. I would go so far as to call it, like many critics have said, the definitive vampire flick of 2008. The plot of the movie is described above and it does indeed deliver. It’s eerie and sentimental all in one. Oskar is wonderfully pathetic and endearing. Oskar’s fascination with serial killers and murders is an incredibly interesting aspect to his character. It’s noteworthy to wonder if his fascination came as a coping method for the bullying or if it’s been there all along. He’s also the character the audience is supposed to identify with the most, but how is the majority of the audience supposed to identify with a kid pretending to knife a tree and wishing it was his tormentors? What probably eases the audience into liking Oskar so much is his age—Lindqvist chose that perfect age of adolescences where just about any behavior can be excused to hormones and puberty.

The movie poster

The movie leaves a lot of the minor characters out. Jocke is the rebellious teenager and friend of Oskar who pretends to feel indifferent to his mother’s new boyfriend. Hakan’s past is left out and his affinity for young children is much more ambiguous in the movie than in the novel. It doesn’t delve as deeply into Eli’s past, nor does it address the aftermath of the Hakan’s “death”. It does however, take the essentials of the novel and present them very well. The ending is probably much more satisfying in the movie than in the novel. Both more or less end the same, but Alfredson uses his artistic license to add in some bad-assery to an already bad-ass storyline.

Both should be watch immediately. And I think it’s pretty acceptable to watch the movie with the book in mind. Look to the movie for a short and sweet and awesome vampire love story. Look to the book for much of the same with added histories and gory details.

And yes, because Hollywood can’t be satisfied with awesome movies that aren’t from America, there is a remake in progress. It’s called Let Me In and directed by Matt Reeves; Cloverfield is probably his most well-known directing achievement. Word on the street is that Reeves is planning to make a movie from the book, not the film so maybe we’ll have some light shed on the minor characters more. If this movie sucks, I’m going to write an angry letter.

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