Increasingly long stares, vampire baseball and sparkly vampires are the best Twilight has to offer –and that’s not saying much. Based on the books by Stephanie Meyers and directed by Catherine Hardwicke, the movie does nothing more but erupt giggles and befuddlement at the popularity of the series.
The movie starts off surprisingly well. Isabella Swan Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) narration sounds like every other awkward teenage girl, hoping the best for her mom and her new husband. She leaves Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington, a town in an almost perpetual state of cloudy days. She goes to live with her father, played by Billy Burke, which by the way is probably the only likeable character in the whole film. Isabel, who prefers to be called Bella (Bella Swan, beautiful swan, way to be clever Meyers), goes to school where boys turn head left and right. Apparently, Bella’s pheromones overwhelm the entire male cast, including some creepy balding 40-year-old in a diner in front of her father. Nice. Then she goes to biology class where her presence makes the male lead, Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, either cream his pants or fights off a burst of nausea. Now commences the first in drawn-out shots of hateful, lustful and doltish stares between the two.
Edward initially treats Bella with hate and annoyance. Then you come to find out was that he acted like a jerk because he wanted her so much. Bella finds this incredibly romantic and finds herself head over heels. After Edward saves her from getting crushed by a van with his super vampire powers, she confronts him. He then admits to a girl he’s known for less than a month that he and his family are vampires. Even though Edward says he’s not sure he can control his urges around Bella, she trusts him completely. And then five minutes later, she says she’s not sure she can trust him but that doesn’t matter because she’s in love with him. After more lame proclamations of everlasting love and equally lame special effects, Bella comes in contact with a rival vampire gang who’s leader, James (Cam Gigandet) begins to madly lust for Bella’s blood, for no explicit reason. Edward and his family risk their lives to hide Bella from James. After faking a fight between her and Edward in front of her father, she uses that as an excuse to leave her home. Edward basically forces her to abandon and yell at her father because apparently that’s the best thing to be done to get her out of the house. After trying to dissuade James, Bella eventually finds herself in his clutches and has Edward come save the day using his shiny vampire powers. Before Edward shows, James bites her, which then forces Edward to suck out the poison blood. She doesn’t turn but does break her leg, and then they attend prom together, where Bella expresses her desire to be made into a vampire so she can be with Edward forever.
Firstly, there are many things wrong with this storyline and the movie. Bella’s reaction to getting her blood sucked and his blood sucking are badly disguised metaphors for sex, especially since he has to “pull out” right before she turns. Earlier in the film, during a heated make-out session, Edward freaks because Bella was making him loose control. The movie does honorably in keeping the obligatory sex scene out of a teen flick, but one can’t help but notice the disapproving atmosphere surrounding Bella’s desire. She is the one that pushes for intimacy while Edward almost gives in but stops and sends a disappointed look her way. We get it, Meyers. Pre-marital sex is the most terrible thing in the world.
Bella starts off as the every woman, but ends up being the submissive girlfriend at the end. An hour into the movie, her exact words are “I dream about being with you forever”. When she wakes up in the hospital after the incident with the enemy vampire, Edward remarks that he needs to leave, she has a mini-panic attack and yells, “You can’t leave me!” As stupid as some of the dialogue come off, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if Bella wasn’t the role model of hundreds of impressionable young girls who have immersed themselves in the books. There’s no need to let young girls believe that even though their one true love treats them with distaste, it’s okay because he loves you. That and him watching you sleep outside your window for the past few months isn’t creepy at all. If any guy tried that one a girl, he’d immediately be called out as a creepy stalker. The only reason Edward gets away with it is because he’s a vampire.
Real vampires DON'T SPARKLE
The special effects are mediocre at best. A blurred figure implies super speed. Did I mention that the reason the Cullens live in Forks is because of the weather? In Meyers’ world, vampires sparkle in the sunlight, thus giving away their murdering identity. Edward’s sparkles look like they decided to stick sequence on his chest and give it a blur effect in post-production.
The soundtrack has some good choices, but the whole movie is oversaturated with background music. Every other scene has a track that distracts from the movie, which may or may not be good. There’s no need to play a dramatic instrumental track and then follow it immediately with Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole” and then cut back to meaningless elevator tunes. The soundtrack is meant to enhance the scene, not be the key to the drama, Hardwicke.
Also, early in the film, four seemingly drunk men in another town almost jump Bella. Obviously, Edward comes to rescue her because he’s been following her this whole time like the romantic stalker he is. Later, Bella’s dad tells her he bought Bella a new can of pepper spray. She responds with an exasperated sigh and a “Daaad….”. Ok, Bella because you weren’t going to get raped earlier in the film, so carrying around pepper spray is stupid.
Although the movie leaves little to like for those average moviegoer, it does have small elements of appeal. Bella drives an old rusty red Ford, something the average American teen would be embarrassed about. She attends prom with her lovely blue dress and her foot in a clunky cast. Most girls would be devastated and let it ruin their prom. Bella is just grateful she has Edward to accompany her. Her father is a great character, someone who doesn’t know how to connect with his daughter but is willing to try even if it is awkward.
The movie does little to entice those who are not already addicted to the romantic spew of the series. It sets a new low for aspiring heroines and vampire flicks. Meyer’s vampires would be better off holding a West Side Story-esque dance-off than coming up against previous vampire movies like John Carpenter’s “Vampires” or the classic vampire movie that started it all, Nosferatu. Take this movie and burn it to bits before you see the future generations of young girls fawning obsessively over their boyfriends. Please.
In conclusion:
Or better yet, how it should have begun
Ramble Ramble Rambo 